PARANOID

I'm called to do the right thing. But I keep telling myself that it's not time yet, or i'm not ready. I think, i'll never be ready if I keep saying that.


God didn't ask us to be perfect, but to be mature. It's time to move on from hurtful & humiliating memories, unforgiving people, and all that bounds me. I need a breakthrough. It took uncle Chee Soon 3 years to do so, how long will I take? Well it depends how much I let God work in my life.


I get annoyed by myself. Why can't I just breakthrough? Like... POOF! But no, it's such a long process. I'm affected by so many things. All these things have choked my life, struggling to stay alive. All these fears I have, well i'm tired of it. Whenever I didn't do something which I should've done, I disappoint myself.


I feel that, the closest people to me are the ones who would really, REALLY, disappoint me. It hurts me. Day and night. They are never once off my head. In return, I became a very angry person. I store all these hatred in me. Sometimes I wonder how and when did I became such a monster. Thank God I noticed. I'm struggling so much to forgive, forget, and have self-control, and change. When people are rejected, they either have low self-esteem, or they respond in anger, like trying to prove themself great, better, etc.... I don't want to let all these things control me. I really hate it.



I'm angry with myself with so many things that I did. And i'm angry with alot of people for so many things that they did. I just want to breakdown and cry. My sensitivity to other peoples needs are getting less. What's wrong with me?! I really don't know what's wrong with me. If you know, please let me know. Coz i'm going insane. Yes i am. Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!



I'm sorry if you find this disappointing. I think i'm not ready for so many things right now. I wish I was in a coma. Alive but I don't have to face anything. I know what i'm asking for. Look at me, can you tell anything? No.