Not so... CJ reminded me of something horrible that I went through before while I was hitting my last golf ball just now. It was the last out of... Alot. It was special, the only golf ball that is covered with completely grey. Nothing like the other balls which are only white. Ivan said some things like, "You make sure you do your best on your last ball(in a joking manner)." And many other things he said which means almost the same. Still...... Expecting something different and better or great on my last hit. (F.Y.I. I did not really do well, e.g. not far, missed, soft..)
So the time came when I have to hit my last "precious" ball. And there goes everyone saying things like, "Here's your last ball.", "Huey Wern, you can do it.", "Huey Wern rocks!X3". I asked them to stop, but they probably think I was not serious. I got really disturbed by it. Because I couldn't hit a golf ball properly, and they keep cheering and hoping I'll make it. Adding to my pressure. The fact is, 80% chances that I will not make it.
Maybe you'll think or say, "You must be confident." "You must believe in youself, know that you can do it." "It's the mind to think positive first." The truth is....... Things don't always go the way you want it to be even though you got your mind right, and focus, and made sure everything's perfect................. Maybe it helps you to not be afraid cz u know in your heart that you can do it. But when things turned out the totally opposite of what u expected, what or who do you blame? You can't say things like "You didn't set your heart right." because that is exactly what u did. But what happened??
When I got my last ball, friends started cheering. Especially when CJ said, "Wern, you have to think that you can do it first, THEN YOU CAN REALLY DO IT." .................. When I heard that, it instantly reminded me of what happened in my MSSS competition. I've been training for 3+ years. Going through really tough trainings. Just for my competition. I've made it to MSSS. This is where the real challenge starts. For my coach, he trained me so much. I've always wanted to achieve great results for him. But I never did. I always fail, since the day I joined. But this year, my coach really puts his faith in me, telling me that I can do it, after analysing my competitor's timings. It was so encouraging because he really knew that I could do it. He never say much supportive words to me. It was just full of hope for this year's competition.
The time came when I have to compete my main even, 100 metre's hurdle. Before my event was the L4 category hurdle, the sad part is that most of the hurdlers lost. My coach was watching from a high place and he was not happy. When it was my turn, I looked at him. He gave me the "good luck/do your best" hand sign. I was so happy cz I knew he is watching. While being in the middle of the tracks filled with hurdles, gun shooter goes "Ke garisan." We all went to the line and to our starting blocks, preparing for our run. "Sedia............" In my mind, I remembered what my coach said the night before, "You have trained so hard for so many years, you have the best coach (ASEAN coach) to train you, and right now, all you have to do to win is....... To have your heart right. If your heart says you can win, YOU CAN WIN." So I was greatly encouraged, and I told myself, "I know I can win this, I CAN DO IT."
"BANG!!!!"
I ran with full of hope. With no worries, or fears. But something horrible happened. I made a mistake and lost......... When I reached the finishing line, I thought.. Did I even expecting all these? Where did I go wrong? I did what I should, everything was perfect, but what happened???????!!!!!!!!!! I thought I would win because I was leading first in the semi finals, but I dropped to 3rd in the finals. I walked back to get my stuffs feeling ultra disappointed. Knowing that my team was feeling the same way as well. Especially my coach. He was hoping for my gold medal. I was suppose to see him everytime I finish an event. When I finally took my guts to go meet him, while walking to him, he walked away. Instantly, my heart broke, feeling so hopeless. I couldn't do anything anymore. I lost my event. My good friend came up to me to comfort me. I told her in tears, "I did what Sir asked me to. I was confident and knew I could do it. Sir said if our heart is right, we can win, but I don't understand...." She couldn't say anything because what I said was true and she couldn't understand why either.
I went back to my hostel, was alone in the room. Crying so badly, no one dared to come and see me. Practically going insane, screaming, hitting, throwing.... Traumatized till now. Not accepting the fact, couldn't believe what just happened. Really hoping that it was not real. Wondering where did I go wrong... Feeling so so SO HOPELESS. All my training efforts. When my coach finally puts hope in me, I let him down. What do I have left in athletics? Nothing... I cried till I slept. Passed dinner time, no one woke me up.
Relating it to today, when CJ said "Wern, you can do it. Think positively, then you can do it." "Huey Wern rocks!" "Make sure it's your best for your last ball." I didn't wanted to hit it. Was so disturbed by the words. Wanting CJ or my sister to hit the ball. But I told myself "You know what? I don't care, I'm just gona hit it." So I hit the ball. As expected, it's just that little, not close for even reaching much. And it was silent, and I quickly got off and sat alone.
Tears came down my face, face was uncomfortable trying not to cry. Flashbacks keep appearing in my mind when I was in MSSS, was screaming inside my heart. Thank God I didn't blast out. I kept it in. AND IT WASN'T EASY AT ALL. It hunted my mind while all of us were in Ivan's car. Tears keep flowing down my face. I didn't want anyone to notice because they were all having a great time. But my sister noticed. She didn't say anything until we came home. Still I never told her. Didn't want to talk about it. Too sensitive for me. It is really a HUGE issue for me because... It really affected my life alot. ALOT. I can't explain nor describe how it really feels like.
You know you could do it, but what happened? I had put so much, maximum hope in it, but its totally gone! Not even a percent. Whooooaaaa!!!!!!! Feel me.... It's more than just words. I tried not thinking about it after it happened, after weeks, I could control my thoughts. But after today, I guess it really made a scar in my heart. I guess I never really did move on. And it hurts me as much as before. Because of all these things, I never boost up my confidence level. I am afraid, of putting hope in somethings, afraid to FAIL. Feeling hopeless is the worst. You cannot do anything because there is nothing left. If you really want me to do something big, you really have to encourage me a thousand times harder than how u usually encourage others. So this is how I am, don't blame me, it happened to me. It's not that I wanted it to. I can't forget and let go. It kills me so badly :'(
Guess chasing my dreams is gona be the toughest thing to do in my life. I never want to go through it again please.... PLEASE WORLD...... I DON'T WANA GO THROUGH IT AGAIN. GOD SAVE ME, I NEED A BREAKTHROUGH!!
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