I apologize for my language first.


I feel stupid, like an idiot. I feel it all the time. The way people talk to me, they way people look at me. The way people judge me at my works. I'm some retard freak. I'm even stupid for saying these things right now. Nothing can describe what I trully feel. No one can trully understand me. They don't even bother to help me.


I don't want to take leadership in youth. I don't feel like i'm capable at all. I'm still considered a young Christian, I still have lots to learn. I feel like I'm not doing what I should, in fact, I don't feel productive at all. I can't forgive myself from the mistakes which I have done. My heart isn't right.


Yes Declan has proudly proclaimed that he was very pissed at me. Because I yelled at him. He doesn't even know why I did. He has his own reasons. I have my own. So much for apologizing. I shouldn't even expect him to forgive me. Shouldn't even expect him to understand. But i'm expected to understand him, know that i'm stupid or something. Talking to him definitely make me want to stab myself a 100 times. No he doesn't read my blog, for all he cares. I hate him for saying the things he said to me. I hate myself for saying the things I said. I hate myself for the things i'm thinking right now.



So as a 'youth leader', I am emotionally unstable, not wise in handling my words and action, keeping hatred against people, feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually insecure. I feel dumb.


I don't feel worthy of anything. I even feel like crying as I'm typing this now. You can insult my intelligence all you want. Because I have none. Are you happy now?


I feel like I've lost a friend whom I thought I knew. Over a farking stupid issue. I'm better off alone. I don't want to go to church, I don't want to go to school. I don't want to stay home. I can't face anyone now.