Yesterday's post.

Uncle Chee Soon taught us today.....

True inner healing is when you see the person eye ball to eye ball or thinking about the past memories, without feeling hurt/pain/regret.

Which means...... I have not trully forgiven a few people in my life. Well at least I thought I did, but when I tried thinking about the past, I couldn't go on.


I realized that in school, I am just mean to boys. I am very strict with them. So most of the boys are afraid of me. But only a few friends understand because they know me. But some of the boys didn't know that I was joking. So I told them that I wasn't serious and that I don't hate them. And i'm surprised that they didn't know.


So my friend Shiat Hui asked me, why am I so mean to boys? So I started thinking. And POOOF! Alot came to my mind, and it all made sense.


I don't trust guys.
I don't like to communicate with them.
I don't want to be close with them.


I realized that something I went through in the past that made me this way. I really didn't realize it until recently. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself in a way. And ever since my last boyfriend, I never had intentions to have relationships anymore. And I'm glad about it. What I really hope is that it wouldn't affect me in the future.


I was walking home yesterday and I walked pass my x-best friend and her family. The reason why we do not talk anymore is because of a guy, and her whole family hates me also. I felt upset that I do not have a chance to explain myself, nor let them see the changes in me. They already had this bad impression of me, and we totally ignored each other when we walked passed. I am upset about it.


And about that guy? Ever since we broke up, I never see him for a long time. Untill a year later when he walked pass me in Mee Yoke Lim, it felt like .... I don't know... I was just afraid/shocked, it feels like I saw a monster, yea that's right. It feels hard for me to forgive him, but it is even harder for me to forgive myself. If I could just think right that moment, many things I wouldn't regret.


So it became a topic that no one would talk about until now. Because it was still sensitive. But seriously.... How on earth am I suppose to see him face to face without feeling hurt/angry/wtv? And when would I stop regretting? And when would I take bad judgements out from innocent boys? (Especially rich and good looking ones)


Haih... Maybe i'm thinking too much. All I have to do is just to pray about it. Ask God for forgiveness. Receive healing. And then forgive others. 4 simple steps. But how long would it take.... I'm sorry for many boys out there who are afraid of me. Only a few boys/guys/men out there that I trust :) ........................ I am very mean....... :(


Hopefully this Healing and Deliverence seminar will heal me inside out. So long!