The Family Book

Had dinner with my mom and all of my siblings + sister in law (pooi ling) at my grandmother's house just now. My mother planned all this, I thought she just wanted to gather together and have a happy meal. But there was more than that. It turned out to be a 'real' family gathering. Where we share about everything that has happened in the past, how things affect one another, how we grew up in bitterness, and how we have to deal with the circumstances. Confessions were made, truth was revealed, anger was released, tears of brokeness.


My mother decided to apologize for EVERYTHING that she has done to us in the past. But not all of us could accept it easily. Especially my 2nd brother and 2nd sister. (According to my mom) After my mom became a Christian, God asked her to pray for her children, pray for healing. We were all eating and gathering around the table. When my mom started speaking, she was being very serious about it. She was saying how we attracted the spirit of rejection when we were younger. When my 3 half siblings lost their father. How many MANY things that happened after that. How my sister Melissa suffered the most, when she recieve the 'spirit of rejection' when she was 1 year old. Not knowing her father, and not receiving love from my mother as well. Apparently, God had revealed the life of all of her children when we were much younger as she prayed in her room one day. (According to her) She saw all the things that we attempted to do, e.g. committing suicide (not me). How she brought us up. Conclusion from my sister & brother was part of us today is how were being brought up.


Things started to get tensed when my 2nd brother started talking. He teared so badly, the exactly same face when I saw him kneeling on his knees many years ago infront of my mom's room door. He talked about that day. He saw each one of us and knew he had to be strong when he is so weak. He told my mom that it was easy to apologize, but it's not easy to accept. Not that he didn't want to, but carrying the burdens of his family for so many years, really not easy to let go. He was the 1st to teared. But when he mentioned about the day he left me and my sister, I don't know why but I started tearing too. His words: "To tell you the truth, they are all okay about it on the surface. But look at them mom, even when I talk about it, they are crying, deep down inside, it has not healed."


I really don't know... I forgive my mom. I thank God for my mom. But I don't understand why is the past affecting us so much. Exactly what my brother said. But one thing I just found out about myself. Apparently, I was a mistake. Lol. My parents didn't want to have another child after my sister. My mom even wanted to 'menggugurkan' me. But to find out about the story behind it, it's really saddening. And because of that, my parents loved my sister much more than me. No wonder I cried alot when I was a baby. What really touches me was when my mom mentioned about my kakak Miri. How she took care of me as if I was her own child. How she took me away when my parents were argueing. How she stayed back and took care of me when there is no one to care for me. But one thing they all didn't remember, when I remembered most. It was the day when Miri left the house, when she left me. Parents were argueing so badly, they were seperated in 2 rooms. Miri was asking for money to go to the airport or some relative's house, but both my parents ignored her and shooed her away. My sister was just watching the tv, numbes herself from all these. I was crying and begging her not to go, but she left with her luggage. She was waving to me, and there she went and never came back. After that day, I never contact her anymore. I was too young to think about phone number nor address. How I regretted it so much.


God, I wish to see her again. Just once. I pray that she will come to know You and receive salvation. I really, really, want to see her again. :'( I wonder if she is even alive, I know she's having some kind of sickness. I can't go on with this...


We never expect this day to happen. It is good for us, that we can share our thoughts and express how we feel. Than to just eat good food, and go back to our own homes. My brother is really worried for me. He thinks that i'm really lack of love. He even apologized for spending the least time on me. But he doesn't have to worry. Before this, I really seek love in the wrong direction. But after I became a Christian, I know where true love is found. And how I am filled with it everyday. I'm no longer astray.


I thank God for each one of my family. Thank God that He is faithful as he promised to bring salvation to my whole family and still is. I really really really am grateful to Him. If it wasn't for Him, we wouldn't have any other reasons to live for. As I went through the past, I also saw how God works. His timing, and everything, is just perfect, as He is :) Man, I love God so much :D


Ooowwwhhkkaaayy.... That's enough for today. Having netball finals tomorrow. BM oral presentation too. Good that I have 2 weeks holiday from training, that I can spare the time for something better to do. THE END.