Another Confession

I was so afraid, nervous, insecure, traumatised, as if i'm a crazy woman this morning. Waking up with a heavy load on me. A load from a long time ago. I was thinking, it must be hell to go through today. And today is the day when I have to face one of my biggest fears, again, thinking it is impossible to overcome them.


And so today was the first day of SUKSES competition. Was tearing while getting up from bed, I was holding on to my sleep and didn't want to wake up when I knew I would be late for my competition. After I prayed, I finally got up and started rushing to the LRT station. Half way walking there, Sir saw me and offered me a ride. And that journey to stadium was so SO AWKWARD, cz it was only me & him in the car. But at least I wasn't late, thanks to him, I didn't have to wait for the LRT and bus alone.


I took part in Heptathlon, and my first event was my main event, which is 100M Lari Berpagar (hurdles). And this event, THIS EVENT, is like facing my biggest giant. You don't know how much I had to go through because of this event that became part of my life. I have started something, which I cannot end, and forever it will stay like that, unless I overcome it. But after 4 years, I still have not overcome it. When I trusted God in a way that He would help me overcome this, with FULL of hope, I failed. And because my hope in Him was so great, I was deeply crushed inside after that. That very day, I locked myself in the hostel, missed dinner, being very insane. Hitting walls, crying and banging, screaming. As if I was demon possessed. I've lost my trust in Him completely.


Ever since that day, I have this insecureness in my heart. But I could never deny God in my life. He's shown me more than all these. But I just couldn't understand the things He does sometimes. Ever since that day, it became a problem for me everytime I pray or worship with the word "trust" in God. But as day passes, I learn something about God. Thanks to my second brother. I learn to accept whenever God says no. But God is a good God. He knows my needs, and He will never leave me just like that. He works in me, and I have to let Him.


But today, in my brokeness from past, I told God: "God... I cannot afford another failure in my life. It's been with me for years. And if it happens again, I do not know how to face it, and I am not prepared for it. If it hits me, I might not survive." But today, as I was walking to my running lane, filled with many hurdles, with people around me, preparing to run, I decided to tell God: "God, no matter what happens, I trust in You." After what I have to go through, after a long time of hopelessness, a long time of healing, I manage to say that 'trust' word.


And so today I had 4 events. 100M hurdles, high jump, short put and 200M. Overall, I think it was okay. Sir was fine about it too. I do not want to talk much about it. But the worst thing about today is that I know I have to go through this again tomorrow. x_x And 800M is gona be a tough one. Well, I hope I can slowly let all this go and do not keep it in my heart. Cz I feel that it's gona affect me for many years. In everything that I do. Haih, I hope God can deliver me from tomorrow like how He did to me today. Please pray for me. I shall go sleep now, hopefully peacefully. Sweet dreams, wait for my news. May it be pleasant. *gulps* :S