Broken again.

When I can't get to somewhere by my own, I am asked to get a car.

When I can't get what I want, they say, "Get a loan."

When I don't have money, they ask me to go and work.

The truth is.....


I can't freaking afford a loan. My parents are unwilling to pay for my course. So the only option I have left is just to go form 6. It's so much easier for them since they don't have to pay for me. But this is my life, and I have to live the way my parents make it to be. So much for saying "Don't worry dear, daddy have everything under control. Don't need to worry bout money." So much for saying, "I'll take you to Australia to study, and you can live with your aunty there." So much for making empty promises. All these empty promises are coming to live now, at this very stage of my life, realizing life is so hard. I can't do so many things without money.


I choose to be selfish right now as I post this post. Yes I want to complain about everything that's happening in my life now. The reason why I'm they way I am today is because of my parents. I blame them for everything. I blame them for making me feel so insecure and unworthy. I blame them that I'm not happy with my life. I blame them for all the heartbreaks that happened. I blame them for many things that I cannot do and never had the chance to. I blame them for all the shit that has happened. I blame them for everything that is about to happen as well.


And now i'm 18, I'm suppose to be independent. And working outside for the first time. My pay?? Goes to both my parents. They are already asking money from me when i'm 18. Who's gona pay for my studies? By myself? If so, I don't think I can ever finish my course. Weird, I desire for the most expensive course ever. And I'm ashamed to tell others what I want to study, because it's simply impossible. With the results that I'm having, with no money. People tell me, "Be realistic." Which means, a BIG NO.



I'm just so angry, I don't know how to release all these anger other than here. My family is a screwed up family. Nothing good happens here. We're broken, inside out. Look at my mom, look at my dad, look at my brothers, look at my sisters, look at me. If I weren't a Christian today, I'd be roaming around the streets taking drugs, maybe even selling myself for money. I pity myself, growing up like this. Nobody can trully understand how I feel. I may not be the worst case compared to many others, but I'm not feeling contented either. God, I hate my life. I don't have much choices in life. I have to live in the consequences of my parents' decisions. It sucks. It makes me hate my life even more. My parents gamble before I was born, until today. That's why we never have a home to ourselves, that's why my parents started arguing in the first place, that's why they are divorced now, that's why my life and my sister's sucks so badly now.



Don't tell me to think about my parents, how hard life is for them. They chose to do things like that, this is what they get, which is NOTHING. Even my birth was a mistake, they shouldn't even make love, to avoid causing miserable lives like mine. Before you choose to have babies, think about their lives, if you know you can't raise them up properly, don't even try!! You don't just make decisions so easily without thinking about the consequences, because i'm the result of those stupid choices that you made.



I'm at a point where I don't give a damn bout anything already. I can't face God either. Every time when I feel like hope is coming, it turns out to be some prank, and it brings me way lower from where I was. Just leave me alone. I give up. If anyone from church reads this, I can't tell you in person, but I tell you here. I can't go back church. I don't want to force myself either. And forgive me.