Crashed and Burnt.

My dearest blog and readers,

I've been such a horrible horrible person lately. Sometimes I wish I could feel even worst so I could chain myself up from doing what I will regret later.


I heard that help is coming. That gave me great hope, because i'm in a position where I can't help myself any longer, and whatever I do, fails. Tomorrow's Saturday, I don't feel fit to even meet my weekends. Funny, last week's sermon is speaking to me in my head.


God, I know i'm not perfect. I'm not good also. I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm bad. I'm horrible. I'm a disappointment. I'm a great pain to You. I bring great loss. I deserve to be strike by a lightning that comes from You, to wake me up from my dead sleep.


Tomorrow's a Saturday. But I don't have that weekend joy any longer. And I feel afraid, stressed, I secretly feel like running away from my responsibilities. I know many will be worried of what I say here. They may come and ask me what's wrong and then judge me from my disability and say 'she's going astray'. But how I wish I don't have to explain myself, I just need them to care for me, accept me, say words that can really help me and not make me feel even worst, and not reminding myself again for the things that I did and did not do.


It's easier to hang out with people who are just like you. They understand you and accept you. You don't have to tell them what's right or wrong. They don't have to tell you what's right or wrong.


I'm at a the edge, desperately waiting for help to come.