It's Christmas night. What I'm hoping for is a dinner with my family. I always thought that it was priority. Last night's incident has made tonight worst. :'( I wouldn't mind to spend my Christmas with my dad, but he didn't expect us to have dinner with him. And my sister didn't want to have dinner with my dad. Complications in my family, I face them everyday.
Well at least I enjoyed myself swimming, relaxing, stress-free. But it's already the 25th, school is starting soon, burdens are on my shoulders. What burdens? Let me just tell you. In a shot if possible.
I'm gona have a different form teacher next year, which will affect me alot if you really take notice. I am the monitor, she is real STRICT. Higher expectations, from my work in organizing the class, and in my BM, since she's my BM teacher as well. She never stops giving hard homeworks, and if we do not highlight all the "kata kunci", or have less than 5 peribahasa in her karangan, and all her rules in her homeworks, she give us straight 0 ZERO for our marks. Happened before, no joke. I have to speak BM more frequently now, maybe that's a good thing. But conclusion, there's too much pressure on me. Some people say I need it to keep me working, the fact is, I can't handle it, I really can't.
What else? Do you know what it's like staying at home every evening when you know that your athlete friends are busy with their own specific workouts in stadium? As an athlete who aims and plans to achieve higher. All my effort in camerons wasted DOWN THE DRAIN. It has no effect on me anymore. If I had to go back training now, I start from ZERO, when I was from 110. That's how I would say it. It totally cuts me off, I don't even have that big motivation to represent Selangor anymore. Is this what I get after 4 years of trainings? Where half of my life I spent on those tracks. Money and time I've put in. Discouragements and heart breaks I've went through. Just when I thought it would be finally different, hope's lost.
How about my passion in dancing? Do you not know how much I dream of it? I've been missing so many lessons already due to my wound after my operation. I don't think they want me to join them anymore because I'm just too far away from them. I would drag the class so badly. If I do start a new class, that would be after SPM already. And when I'm 17, I can only be good when i'm.... 20? I wana start young. I want to be involve in competitions for experience, now everyone is just moving on without me. Leaving me to deal with myself.
There's this major homework I need to hand up when school starts. And I was thinking, I did so badly this year, in my school. My results are off. I can hardly get a C grade in most of my papers. Imagine next year? Adding all those unwanted pressure. And responsibilities. And with my family that I have to live with everyday. It's not even 2010 yet, but I'm giving up. I don't want to move on. I don't know how to survive. I don't want to fail in my SPM. Working hard is what I need to do, but I'm not consistant, I might fall off half way and die.
God, every strand of my hair knows that without You, I will not live. That is why every strand of my hair is holding on to the Hope that I have in You, even though it seems like a tiny strand of thread i'm holding on to, it's the only thing I have. So how much more do You want from me? I gave You all, but if there's something I'm still hiding, reveal it to me.
Sigh. Do me a favor and don't come any closer, time. I'm not ready, or maybe, I will never get ready.
Well at least I enjoyed myself swimming, relaxing, stress-free. But it's already the 25th, school is starting soon, burdens are on my shoulders. What burdens? Let me just tell you. In a shot if possible.
I'm gona have a different form teacher next year, which will affect me alot if you really take notice. I am the monitor, she is real STRICT. Higher expectations, from my work in organizing the class, and in my BM, since she's my BM teacher as well. She never stops giving hard homeworks, and if we do not highlight all the "kata kunci", or have less than 5 peribahasa in her karangan, and all her rules in her homeworks, she give us straight 0 ZERO for our marks. Happened before, no joke. I have to speak BM more frequently now, maybe that's a good thing. But conclusion, there's too much pressure on me. Some people say I need it to keep me working, the fact is, I can't handle it, I really can't.
What else? Do you know what it's like staying at home every evening when you know that your athlete friends are busy with their own specific workouts in stadium? As an athlete who aims and plans to achieve higher. All my effort in camerons wasted DOWN THE DRAIN. It has no effect on me anymore. If I had to go back training now, I start from ZERO, when I was from 110. That's how I would say it. It totally cuts me off, I don't even have that big motivation to represent Selangor anymore. Is this what I get after 4 years of trainings? Where half of my life I spent on those tracks. Money and time I've put in. Discouragements and heart breaks I've went through. Just when I thought it would be finally different, hope's lost.
How about my passion in dancing? Do you not know how much I dream of it? I've been missing so many lessons already due to my wound after my operation. I don't think they want me to join them anymore because I'm just too far away from them. I would drag the class so badly. If I do start a new class, that would be after SPM already. And when I'm 17, I can only be good when i'm.... 20? I wana start young. I want to be involve in competitions for experience, now everyone is just moving on without me. Leaving me to deal with myself.
There's this major homework I need to hand up when school starts. And I was thinking, I did so badly this year, in my school. My results are off. I can hardly get a C grade in most of my papers. Imagine next year? Adding all those unwanted pressure. And responsibilities. And with my family that I have to live with everyday. It's not even 2010 yet, but I'm giving up. I don't want to move on. I don't know how to survive. I don't want to fail in my SPM. Working hard is what I need to do, but I'm not consistant, I might fall off half way and die.
God, every strand of my hair knows that without You, I will not live. That is why every strand of my hair is holding on to the Hope that I have in You, even though it seems like a tiny strand of thread i'm holding on to, it's the only thing I have. So how much more do You want from me? I gave You all, but if there's something I'm still hiding, reveal it to me.
Sigh. Do me a favor and don't come any closer, time. I'm not ready, or maybe, I will never get ready.
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