Keep me in your prayers.

I'm so discouraged. To the point that everything in my life is encouraging me to die as soon as possible. Discouraged by everything that is happening. By everyone around me. Even my closest friends and families.


Just tell me, just one category in my life, that is smooth and well. Just one. Let me hear it.


I just came back home from somewhere I hate to go. Because it is full of uncertainty. It is the place where I get into arguments and rejection. The place that broke my heart to the core not long ago. Why am I required to go back there? To fix things. I have to deal with the problem from where it started.

So how was it?


I almost lost 2 of my closest friend. I ended up shouting at others due to my incontrollable anger. What has caused the anger? Rejection. I quickly got rid of everyone, go home and just be alone. Then I have someone I live with everyday shooting my face, telling me things that hurts so much. Well that person doesn't know much about what I did, because I hide all my thoughts to myself. Can't blame the person, I never thought that any human could understand what i'm going through anyway, and so far, I am 100% correct.


My friend on Facebook asked me, 'How are things?" I answered, bad. My friend wanted me to share it, but I said, no one can share what I carry.


So it's the end of the day now before I go to sleep. I can conclude that today, is like every other day. Shitty and crappy, lonely and miserable. Maybe tonight was more miserable. And I also can conclude that for the next few months, I will never taste the goodness of a peaceful sleep. Every day is a nightmare, every night is a horror. And if I do wake up one morning feeling good, i'll definitely post this Great and Awesome news here, right here. Hoping for a good post among the ugly posts heh? Honestly, I hope for it too.


This numbness of emotions is a great shield to hurtful words from hurtful people, even from myself. I realized today that actually, I let others hurt me, which also means, I hurt myself and not others. It was me who interpret what they say into my thoughts. Everything was my fault. Okay? Hate me, just hate me, sometimes I feel better when you just hate me. I can tell you honestly that I, though am so weak, can take everything bad/discouraging words into my heart. I grew up and live everyday like this, it should be my best capability as a human. I should receive an award for that! Yeah man!


I'm like one of those Christian prisoners that are marching in the hordes of hell mentioned in the book called The Final Quest. You see, I know what's truly happening, but I'm not doing anything about it. Is there a cure for this problem? I live my life now as if i'm a failure, a shame, a rejected person, a thorn in the flesh for others. And i'm sorry that things have to be so difficult. My life is a big mess right now. But no one, nobody, knows what on earth is happening anyways. You don't have to know the details, but just know that i'm struggling so hard and keep me in your prayers.


Thank You.