Desperate for a change.

As I was lying on my bed thinking about the pain in my head, plus other things that bothered me, I realized that nothing in my life is secured right now.
On basic things like my family? My finances? My studies? My job?

Oh that's enough to ponder about already. I think about them every single day.

My family is tearing apart really soon, I can't do anything about it now, but I know it'll happen, just waiting for that moment to come and boom everything that I have, and from there I live solely by grace. If it is taken away from me, let it be.

My finances? Still struggling to pay so many things every month, and it'll be harder now, because my sister has stopped work, and we can only depend on our dad, which has not much. Having his income alone is definitely not enough, I wonder where he gets his extra income.

My studies? Yea I manage to finally pay the registration fess. After 2 weeks, I have to pay my monthly course fee installments. Right now, since my father has rejected free money and say we'll survive, we'll see. I still don't know where the heck am I going to find RM200 or more to pay it all up. And this happens every month! Forget about allowances, I can never get enough. If I fail to pay for a month's fee, they'll kick me out, it was already a warning to those who delay their payment.

My job? Yea this is what I would really want to talk about right now.

See this is new. Very new to me. It seems almost impossible, too hard to believe that it is even true. Well I came to be convinced, because if I commit myself to this job, I don't have to worry about my studies, my finances, maybe my dad can even retire happily soon! This job has changed many people's lives, the not so typical story where a durian seller can be a millionaire today. And another story where a useless and rebellious boy can become a millionaire in 4 years and he's 27 now and he owns a ferarri, and retired. Sounds too hard to believe? Well it's true. And i'm up for it. I know many people wouldn't support me in this, especially my father, even my sister doubt it. Nobody seems to be supporting me, maybe Aaron does. But I remembered that I prayed before committing myself. And something I wouldn't call extraordinary, but just not normal, happened, and it had to push me to do it, and it was a must. I took that as a sign, but of course I need more assurance, because getting involve in this is no turning back. I told God that I only want to live my life to please Him so if this is not what He wants me to do, close all doors, take my hope in it away, and assure me, because He can do that very well. After praying about that, i'll just do my own thing, if I get it, I'll go for it; If I don't get it, i'll try again, if I don't get anything after a few tries, I'll stop.

So my real issue now is that i'm sick, and I can't progress anything that I have. And that sickens me more. I need to heal, I need to go out there, I need to do my thing, I need to move on from this dreadful place that i'm in. I need a change for my family's life. I can't sit and stare and do nothing anymore. I ask for a change. And I believe that today God spoke to me and said, 'True wisdom is when we fear God.' I always prayed for wisdom because I lack in it a lot. The bible said that God gives us wisdom generously without finding fault, and I always use it when I pray. But I always forget that wisdom 001 is to fear God, that's where we all should start. It is a form of encouragement in my situation now because it feels like God is preparing me for a change, which I look forward too, though I'm so afraid to do this on my own. But if He is for me, no one can be against me, I just need to learn to do things without the company of a close friend. And that's a great challenge for me!