to say sorry

Usually after some arguement, nobody says sorry, even though both are wrong, it doesn't matter who's wrong first anymore. After some time of cooling down, they tend to talk slowly, word by word, sentence by sentence, until it feels like nothing happened, even though you are still hurt inside.


The real issue is obviously PRIDE & SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. You don't want to say sorry coz you simply don't want to, or because you think you didn't do anything wrong or you weren't as bad as the other person to have to apologize first, and you tend to have a lot of reasons why you shouldn't apologize first. Even when we apologize sometimes, it's not sincere, because deep down inside you still have unresolved anger towards the other person.


The last time I remembered apologizing to someone, I was not sincere at all. When I felt hurt, it was my pride. I was measuring the amount of pain we both had, and I felt that mine was heavier. And I say that it's so unfair that everything is solved after apologizing when I was more hurt in the first place. You see? That's just selfish. I mean, what do I expect to happen? That I should get money or get treated to a japanese meal to resolve those unresolved anger and unforgiveness? No. The real issue is myself. I kept thinking that life is so unfair and that I deserve better, but the truth is, I don't.


The next time I apologize and say sorry, it has to be sincere. I need some time to say sorry, if it's rushed out, it would be half-hearted, only for the sake for things to get better on the outside. So what is considered as sincere? According to me, it's by tearing down your pride, knowing that what I did was completely wrong and has caused things to be worst than before, not thinking that what I did was the result of what the other person did, and not measuring each other's 'sins', not pointing our fingers at each other behind of our backs, not focusing on our hurts, but cherish the friendship we had, and desiring to reconcile that we may be 'fruitful' in the relationship. (guys i'm not talking about Aaron okay, it's in general).


I have a clear example of a good one and a bad one. They both are really different. The good one took a whole night and day to cry and pray that I may forgive and then apologize, the bad example took only a few seconds because I just want to say it and get over it, but things weren't so good after that. :/ Now it's me and my dad. Sigh.


'Sorry seems to be the hardest word....'