Bloggggggggerrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Man I missed you. Everythin' just ain't right without u.


Internet died for a few days. And many things happened within that short period of time. I wanted to die keeping all these things inside me.


Last Friday, something so bad that I can't say it happened. And.... At first, my sister was so afraid to tell me. She stoned, looking at me, with tears almost dripping off her eyes. I looked at her and asked her, "What happened?" She said, "You have to be prepared to hear this wern...." And I told her I already expect the worst of the worst, and I kinda knew what it was cz I overheard her conversation on the phone. She was so upset, not because of what happened, but because of me. And I asked her why. She said that she can take all that, but she knows that I can't. And it would affect me very badly.


But in the end, the night came, and I hid myself in the room, and it disturbed me alot for a while. I wanted to just run to somebody and just cry but.... I slept and everything was supposedly okay the next day.



But I can see that things have changed since that night. Mistakes can't be taken back. Regrets remain for a lifetime. And I can't be the same as I was before anymore. Yes I'm angry. Yes i'm disappointed. Yes I regretted. Yes this is unforgivable. Yes i'm terrible but you are way too much. And I've been praying for bad things to happen. Because I can't accept the fact that.... Things changed.



But I know that God sees all these things. He knows that I need help, real help. And finally 2 precious people came into my life! Lol. I consider them my 3rd parents. My 1st parents are screwed up. 2nd parents have their own family to take care of now. And now these 2 ppl. They're really God-given, because they had to come in a time like this. And they encouraged me, prayed for me, and I really thank God for them. After our dinner together, me and my sis felt so motivated to study already, haha.



And today, I felt so... In a sense, weak, and I can't move. Not physically, and I can't make myself feel better. But today was also the day when I experience a strength within me that was not of my own. A kind of strength that would bring joy to me as well. And I knew why. And I can proudly say that God is my Hope now. Though before this I couldn't say it.



Exams... Questions got leaked again. It can really kill me, knowing that everybody benefits so much but me. Knowing that I'd fail my papers alone. During mid term exam, my teacher asked me in front of my whole class why I haven't been improving. She mentioned this peron's name that has improved and she compared that person's result to mine. Because that person is as bad as me. Oh well, like I said, the leakage has done a very good job, it doesn't only make students happy, but it makes teachers proud too, blindly.



So Pn Lee Lai Chu finally found out that SMK Taman Sea students cheat in exams. She made an announcement, and a short talk. She caught a student having answers on a paper, it was written in a way that the person would score full marks. It was all arranged, all the points given. And she was so upset, she didn't scold us, but she said that she hope that we won't do this again starting from today onwards. She said that the truth is, all the teachers are very concerned for the students behaving this way. She said it in a very heavy tone. When she ended her "speech" thinking that the students would understand, they all clapped for her, and that's when I couldn't take it. Those who clapped for her were those who despised her.


I sat on my seat, not moving. And students walked by me, overheard them teasing Pn Lee, "Teachers are very concerned for you~" In a very sacarstic manner. And when I walked to my friends, they were angry at the person who was caught by her. And I was totally speechless but angry. But no students would feel bad, they woudn't think it's a bad thing, and they'd continue for the rest of the trials. Good for them that they can apply scholarships with it. Good for their future.



Haih... Exams are already pressurizing, all these had to make it worst. Must I feel this way all the time..? It feels like Christians lead very hard lives, and they die in the end, like the prophets. This is just training for things that are yet to come. So I'm gona expect the worst of the worst.



Just promise that I won't have to go through this alone.. :'(