Not strong enough

Another season of autumn/winter in my life.


At this point of my life, I never wanted to post anymore discouraging things, but things just forced me to.


I'm again gripped with fear. I fear to go through another week with college and dance. I feel that everything is gonna fall on me, and I don't know if I can take it all. This feeling of fear is so strong that I just don't want to get out of my bed, I don't want to move, I just want to curl up into a ball and CRY!!! Cry hoping that things will just disappear and go away, but having to stop crying is only after realizing that all the obstacles are still there, and they will always be there until I overcome them.


I don't feel like I'm well prepared for the world. I'm not prepared for huge responsibilities. When my mom told me about her plan of buying a small unit in an apartment for my sis, my dad and I, my sister and I will have to pay for it, so we no longer have to stay under a rented house. She went on talking about me, she asked me to faster finish up my studies and start working and to be independent and earn my own living. I feel that there's nothing about life that I can enjoy, only to quickly go through studies, just so I can find a stable job and survive on my own. While other people can enjoy their uni lives, not having to pay for their own, not having any financial obstacles. I just feel that life is just not easy for me.


Well who am I to complain compared to people who doesn't even have a house to live in or food to eat? Still..... Life will never be perfect. My dad is jobless now, I don't really know where this road will take me. I did very badly in my studies, I guess I just feel really discouraged by everything that is happening. There's nothing to look forward to but I have to fear when I have to go through everyday of my life. I really want to get out of this mess, it's so torturous having to live a life that is full of insecurities. Why must things be so difficult. Why is everything falling apart? Why can't things be a lil' less harder. I'm not even asking for much.... Sigh.


God what are you doing to me.... What is your plan? Can I just quit the race... I don't have the strength to finish it.....