I'm so angry. And with this extra energy that is coming from within, with it, I can do things that I can't before this. This energy stirs up within me every time I choose to entertain it in my thoughts, it then stirs in my heart, and then this energy is released through actions, or words. At the end of the day, my mind and body feels tired. Was everything I did done out of anger? And then I'll start regretting, and then more energy is used again and is released in the form of tears. Then i'll eventually run out of energy and sleep. After restoring my body, the next day will be just the same. How can someone survive life with full of unforgiveness and bitterness? They'll eventually get a heart stroke, or high blood pressure, or some other disease or cancer and die. DIE FOR GOOD.
I wonder how long will I live. I also wonder if I would die tomorrow. If I do, I'll regret for eternity. But thinking in the present, I could still speak louder than before, walk and stomp harder than before, typing this harder and more than before, causing things to break more than before. I wonder which comes first: anger or hurt? I guess everyone that is angry is hurt first, and still hurt after being angry. So am I more hurt now? or more angry? I'm stupid to even think all these crap. I need to breathe and get my rationalism back.
There are many things that I have to do by tonight and i'm obviously not done with it. I blog because I can't help but to express all these raging emotions in me. And weirdly, I rather keep all these and see how long it will last in me. Because I'm so used to forget every reason that has caused me to be angry or to feel bitter. I wonder how far I can go against my nature. At this moment, I want to be angry, I don't want to forgive, I don't want reasons, even though I know I'll hurt myself most at the end of the day.
I've fallen so far out of grace.
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