I am an emo extremist now.

All the youth that attended cyberwellness- cyber bullying promised that they would not post anything on the internet when they are angry....


Resisting....


Resisting....


Very....


Hardly.......


!!!!!!



I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'MA NGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M ANGRY I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M H URT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'MR HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M HURT I'M STIL HURT I'M STILL HURT I'M STILL HURT I'M STILL HURT I'M STILL H URT I'M STILL HURT I'M STILL HURT VERY BADLY STILL VERY BADLY STILL VERY BADLY I'M GOING CRAZY IM GOING CRAZY IM GOING CRAZY IM GOING CRAZY IM GOING CRAZY IM GOING CRAZY IM GOING CRAZY I WANA DIE X10.



So you really want to know how am I emotionally? Someone's question to me was: "Was it hard?" Let me try to tell you briefly.


When I said, "Quite hard." I don't mean it, I just find that it is easier to say quite hard than VERY EXTREMELY HARD. Even if I use that word, or freaking hard, or crazy hard, or whatever english word there is to describe 'hard', NO WORDS CAN TRULY EXPRESS HOW I TRULY FEEL.


It has only been 3 weeks. 3 short weeks compared to the years ahead. I don't know how many times we argued over Skype already. Krystie asked, we are so far apart, still can argue? Why of course!! We are so lack in communication, so limited, so fustrating if we don't get what we are trying to say to each other. And often, misunderstandings occur. Like all the time. I can hardly remember if there was any call that is 100% happy related topics. There's always something that we both are unhappy about.


So what do I do most of the time? Since I'm not working or studying, I spend my time online waiting in hope for him to come online. I got so angry that I didn't see him after hours of waiting so I decided to go out, when I come back, still no news until the next day. It's very fustrating. It's like, you get disappointed all the time cz you expect too much, being so desperate.



So after almost every call, we both get heart breaks. Because we disagree on certain things, or maybe we did a few things that hurt each other's feelings. Though we talked about it and apologized, but sometimes you get SO SICK OF FEELING THE SAME THING and you start to wonder HOW LONG WILL THIS LAST. Like I said, it has only been 3 weeks, I'm almost exploding from the inside. Will it numb me to stand for 5 years?



Yes God I cried like shizzz almost all the time, because I'm constantly being challenged in all ways, my whole life is not stable, there's nothing I have that makes me feel secure, not even my home, not even my bed, not even my pillow. Nothing around me seems to comfort me. When I felt that way when I was a young child, I cried as loud as I could, cz I knew no matter how much my father or mother scolded me, they'd still come to me and comfort me so I would stop crying. But now.... No matter how much I cry, no matter how loud I screamed inside.... I don't get a thing. I eventually cry till I'll be lack of energy and fall asleep. Is that how i'm gona get treated? Without mercy? Without a soft hand to pat me it's ok? Will I not have anyone at all beside me? Will everyone i'm close to leave to somewhere I can't see or somewhere I can't be around with? Is everyone gona turn their backs on me and tell me, 'Grow up, child.' without guiding me or encouraging me? Others have done it, but must I share the same fate?


I still remember that awful awful night... Where were you God? You promised to comfort me. I seeked You!! I screamed so loud.... Did You not hear? Why do you choose to close Your doors from me at that time when I needed You most... I cried in unbelief.


I'm lousy. I'm terrible. I do not deserve many things. But Lord what do You see? I am chained by fears of all kinds. Trapped and chained under this tiny shell that I hide in. But You gave me the keys to the locks of the chains, and You asked me to open them. But what am I doing now? Can I say I can't when the Lord already asked me to? It has been 3 years, and I'm still not unlocking the locks that will free me from the chains that i'm bounded in. Why am I so foolish? What is stopping me???



I don't know how the thought of my struggles with Aaron can lead to my struggle with my spiritual life. To sum it up, no it's not easy at all. He was the one I spent most of my time with, he was my closest friend, he was the one that listens to all my cries and comforts me by just being beside me, I did almost everything with him. He follows me everywhere, and I did too. Everything seemed so fine when he's around.


But now it's the total opposite! And i'm still trying to adapt to it. Not having someone to share my personal struggles with. Having to plan my day without him. Having to go youth and church without him. Having to do so many things alone. Having to pick up my guts and do things independently. Sometimes I fall halfway, I have to cry alone. And then continue from where I fall. It'll be so much nicer to have someone to go through what you go through in physical presence. It is obviously much harder because previously I had almost everything covered. I'm not saying that him leaving is a bad thing, it's a good thing cz it teaches me to be independent which i'm totally not. It forces me to turn my focus to God which was what I was lacking. And yes, through this seperation, it's a good time to grow in the Lord. But it's such a big change! I can't adapt to it so fast. That's why I break down and cry a lot. But if this is how it's planned by God, then His grace should be sufficient for me. Just pray for me. And for Aaron.


Clearing my thoughts...
Back to that question: Is it hard? If you are in a relationship right now and it meant a lot to you. What if the next day he/she will have to leave you for a few years for something important enough. The thought of it already made you felt lonely didn't it? And yes Eve was a great companion for Adam. He was my great companion.


Aaron and I will definitely learn a lot of things thorughout these years without each other. It's good thing! Don't get me wrong. And if Aaron turns away form his faith, I WILL NOT MARRY HIM. Told him that already. :P Same for me. Do keep us in prayer as long as you think of us.


Time to sleep. It's where I would treasure peace in my heart to ensure a good sleep with good dreams. But as for now, it's still very painful to go through it in reality.