I wish..

I wish to numb my feelings so that I wouldn't know what's pain.


I wish that I was blind so that I wouldn't know the truth.


I wish that I was crazy so that I wouldn't have to face life today.


OMGOSH. How can anyone survive life itself...? These tears won't seem to stop forcing it's way out. It's 4.42am and I have to stay awake with this miserable feeling, sleeping later with it as well, waking up feeling no better.


You know, when you have something so good, it might be the best thing ever, you also get one thing, it's fear of loosing it. The thing is, without it, I might go crazy. Or maybe I'm already crazy for being crazy over it. And the truth that I'm still trying to be fine with is that it'll not be with me for a while. I'm already crying over it day&night before it even happen, am I not crazy??


Time won't slow down for me, I have to understand pain but pain doesn't understand me. My mind doesn't let me sleep, my stomach doesn't give me any appetite, my eyes don't sleep or keep dry, my heart is suffocating while having to beat to keep everything alive.


I don't want to see what's left. I don't want to breathe it's air, or walk it's path. I want to stay far far far far away from it, though I know my mind is always with it.


I never felt this way before. Both the good and the bad. Sadly, it comes together. You take one, you must take the other too. Should I be thankful still?


It's 5.... Thinking bout going to bed is no longer rest and peace. It's more like hell before you wake up again. It's where everything around you is so quiet that you can focus so well at what's in your mind. It's where your mind fills your emotions & actions. I don't want to twist and twirl, I don't want to scream or cry, I don't want to grip myself tightly, I don't want to feel this way....


I shall wake up when the day is already bright, when the sun is already high up in the sky, when lunch is already served. Will get up with the same old heavy heart.