Hopelessness.

*Forgive me if I have been so weak, and have discouraged you or has caused you to stumble in some ways. I also hope for the best.*

I failed. One of the worst failures I ever had. I still cannot believe that I am choosing to let go, knowing that I failed. Disappointments. They hurt as much as failures. I chose to let go, because I know I have failed. And when I choose to let go, I have to be ready to face those disappointments that are coming my way to strike me down, and also those around me. Why must God allow these things happen to me.......


I'm so crushed, I have shed too much tears, and still, it's just the beginning of disaster. The most disappointing failure that I have ever made. I hope that all these are just dreams, but they are not. I wake up to all my consequences each day, and I sleep with them. They don't go away, but they multiply in me. Oh God help me!! I can't go through all these pain. These eyes that see, these hands that touch, this heart that feels. Give me amnesia, I want to forget, but I am forced to remember all my mistakes, and suffer in them.


And tonight, I have stopped dreaming, and came back to reality. Dreams are good, reality is... Painful. Things I have to throw away are all my hopes for the better. All my hopes are gone, they just disappear like vapour in the air, after this decision that I have made. I can't catch them back, because they are not even real. It hurts to see them gone, but I should move on. Move on from all these.... Arghh... I wanna stab myself.


Just kill me now, so I don't have to face all the people. Just kill me now, so that I don't have to go through all that is yet to come, joy or sorrow. Just kill me now, but no you won't let me. What shall I do then... Other than to drown myself in sorrow and anxiety. At this moment of life I want to give up. My heart feels like it doesn't want to go on beating for my body anymore. My brain wants to stop thinking. I just want to be emptied. And be gone....


I can't face this on my own. Why... Why am I cursed, and a curse to many? Don't talk to me. Don't ask me. Don't ask around. And hopefully, things will be fine after a while, maybe a year or two, maybe a decade. The fastest way to end all these sufferings is to kill me...................