The Hidden Ugly Truth

People ask me whether i'm fine... I told them yes, or of course, most of the time with a smile. Well... I mean it 30% most of the time. I mean, I don't want to lie, really, I always try my best to suit what I say, or do what I say. But sometimes, a lie would be good to prevent the wall that holds what's inside from breaking out.


I THOUGHT .... that I was better, or at least, slightly better. I only realized today, or accepted the truth that I was still the same. Gosh it's so hard to write this post while crying....

Well it's late, I was suppose to sleep by 12am since I have class early in the morning tomorrow. But my mind is too troubled to sleep now. I'm all alone at home, sister went to Kuala Selangor to help my elder sister to clean up the baby room. This is the time where I can be emotional as much as I want to, when nobody's around... I go to work, I see 'them', I go to church, I see 'them', I go to school, I see 'them'. Every time I see 'them', I actually know them, or how they feel, what it is like, why is it so. But the only difference is that I don't have it now.

And so when I'm in pain, I pray... But, I can't pray that this feeling will be gone, because it is good for a reason. I should only pray that I can endure it, with His strength, and maybe be distracted again, to hide myself from seeing the ugly truth.

I want to sleep. I'm gona get up tomorrow like how I do every Monday morning. I'm gona drive to College like how I do every morning. I'm gona be myself, like myself, every day.


For how long must I be like this........ That is the question.