Living like this

It seems like everyone is moving on with their life. They have plans, they are looking forward to something. I'm still at square one. Still waiting, still hoping, still stuck. So fed up of people telling me what I should do as if I'm not worried for myself, as if I don't care about my life. Everyone is asking me about my plans, I gave them all the same answer : I don't know. Keep it short, cut the explanation, ask me again next time.


They say things like, I don't understand, why do you work but yet don't have money? I got a little offended when some people think that I don't carry out what I say when my situation just wouldn't let me. Sigh, just because they don't know what i'm going through, or they just wouldn't get it. Haih.


I see myself so far away from everything. Even from friends and family. This is kinda like the last thing I want to feel when times are bad. Even handling a relationship is so hard. Maintaining peace in a home is hard. Crying now wouldn't make me feel better anymore. Everything is just bad. It sucks you know? You don't have friends to turn to, your lover is not in good terms with you, your family is not even close enough to hear you or talk to you, i'm not studying, i'm not working, i'm not doing anything but just carrying what I feel everyday. I feel like I have to do what I'm asked to do. I have no say in much things but have to understand the other party.


I'm given guilt just so I can turn in to others. I'm amazed at how I can survive this long. Can I say I don't care about what anyone says? Trust me, I really want to but that's my weakness. I ended up getting more hurt in the end. Not feeling what I want to feel.


I feel like a deaf and dumb child. Unable to speak, unable to hear, unable to adapt. Feel so weak and not worth much. There's a limit to everything in life coz I can't really do much. Feel so numb that when a knife cuts my skin I wouldn't realize it. Judgemental, egoistic, prideful, selfish, and blind. I'm surrounded by people like this in life. They've said it, they've done it. It was all right in front of me, don't you dare say I judged them for being judgemental. You have no idea because it wasn't you. Yeah. I've reach to a point where you can tell me straight at my face that i'm useless and mean nothing, and has made the worst out of everything, and I CAN SAY, "OKAY!" *smiles*


I see no rainbows and butterflies around already.