My mom and I was in the car, she said she had something to tell me. She started telling me bout her past experience with my dad. She said that she had a soft heart, she gave everything to my dad, sacrifice all her money for him when he was broke, moved to several places because of my dad's work....
What she really wanted to say is, don't carry a soft heart, and be firm in God. Don't be carried away by people you love and neglect what is important. She said she has nothing against my relationship with Aaron, but she said that we cannot guarantee that:
1. Aaron will still feel the same for me after 2-3 years.
2. Aaron will have another girlfriend.
And when he does, i'll be cursing my own self for being stupid.
She must've thought i'm loving him blindly, just because i'm not working/studying at the moment just so I can spend time with him. Mom said right now, I have to first put God first in my life, then think about my future. Then she reminded me of my current situation, she said that daddy and mommy doesn't have money now, and you're not working, how do you think you can pay for your college or your studies in the future?
Anyway, I know she's trying to teach me. I appreciate that, that's one thing she never does before this. I took in what she was trying to say, and she doesn't have any bad intention saying this. Thanks mom. But right now..... After all the talk, it got me thinking....
I'm so afraid. I'm so so afraid. I can't secure my future only God can. And I don't know what would happen. Like my mom said, she couldn't guarantee that her first husband would stay alive, and that my dad would love her all the way instead of punching her and kicking her? I AM AFRAID thinking about the future. What if it happens? Everyone can say it won't at the beginning, but seriously... Who would know..? When you read this, you might say, "Fool, who asked you to get involve in a relationship with such a young age? That's what you get. Swallow your mistakes up and learn from them!" Let's not talk about the future, but the present. I realized that it is true that I am spending all of my time with Aaron because he's leaving. But if I keep focusing on him and not on my studies or with my friends, once he leaves, I think I will have a hard time going back to a normal life without him around. So I'm scared.
I'm feeling so insecure right now. I need a sound of comfort. Someone trustable to tell me it's okay and could really make me feel better not temporarily. Coz right now my mind is going off my head, I cannot control it, my emotions are pouring out, so fustrated, so worried, so lost, so confused, so...... Helpless. My friend told me to stop crying and whining and start doing something. I guess I lost that motivation to want to live life for God but living life at where i'm comfortable at, afraid to take up responsibilities, afraid to change myself, afraid to accept painful truths, afraid to carry burdens and deal with them, afraid to move on in life when i'm so lack of everything....
I'm simply covered with clouds of fears, alot of kinds of fears. What am I suppose to learn from this when I can't move on? I don't feel like it's a lesson but more like a jail in hell. My mind is bursting out of my head!!! :'( Can I get out of this?? How can I get out of this??? Urrghhhhh.... Lonely sufferings.
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My fellow sister in Christ, when doubts fills your mind, when you are being crushed by giants afraid of what's going to happen in the future, remember that God is still in control no matter what happens.
ReplyDeleteJust as God has promised Gideon, the Lord will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:7-9 says, "Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law (Bible) always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Why do you look down on yourself so much? You are a mighty warrior in Christ, and God wants to use you to advance His kingdom! Hasn't He placed in you a sense of urgency? Hasn't He planted a seed of desire inside your heart through all the events that has happened in your life?
After so many life-changing events, even SPM, God has been with you all this while. Have you been neglecting Him? Have you been avoiding Him? Remember, fear is the sign of insecurity, and our security is found in the Lord.
I just want to encourage you to stand firm in the faith and take heart in the Lord, for our God is big, so strong, so mighty! He's not too small that He can't help you!
You say you're afraid you can't secure your own future, and God says cast all your cares and worries to me, because I have already secured a future for you! Just talk to God and ask Him for His wisdom and strength, because He gives freely to all who asks.
My fellow sister in Christ, I see you as a leader who has a passion to serve God, a passion to lead people to God and point people to Jesus! And I believe you are more capable than this. Don't let the devil blind you, because he roams around like a lion ready to devour you.
We always want results, but we always forget to abide in Him. I pray that you will remain in God just as He remains in you. YOU ARE COMPLETE, AND NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD CAN ADD TO YOUR VALUE. It's time to have a sense of urgency for God once again :)
Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength" :)