unresolved anger

Today I woke up with a great stress!!! At least for me. I got a phone call from my mom, it scares me every time my parents call me. It's about the same thing : work & studies. Do you know this topic of my life is really screwed up until I desperately DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE IF IT ISN'T HELPING BUT ONLY GIVING ME MORE UNNECESSARY STRESS?? It's called mental illness. You don't know how I screamed to feel better after that call.


I don't know whether she really wants to help or she just wants me to do things her way. For all I know, going HELP is where both my parents don't want me to go because it's too expensive for them. So i'm desperately wanting to apply for the financial aid from HELP to see what they would say. And that's just all I need to decide my next step, so far I'M STILL STUCK at applying the financial aid.


My mom asked me to replace her work in July, they offered to pay RM1800 per month. And she suggested that I should work from next month until December which means I will get RM10,800 by then, and it is enough to pay off the AUSMAT course in Methodist College that is going to start next year January and ends in September, then go UCSI Uni after that. While I was thinking, and not really excited about this, I know she wants me to respond a 'yes' to her, so she asked me, "Even if you go HELP and you manage to get 50% off, how are you going to pay RM9000? You still have to work right? This is a great opportunity and I don't want you to loose it!" And what came to my mind was....


"What?? I'm suppose to pay the whole thing by myself???" And my mom said, "That's why.. Daddy and mommy where got money??" Ah, I remembered also, that my dad keeps telling me for the past few days, "Wern, you didn't work this month, next month got no money you know?"


Funny.



I'm expected to be independent and pay for all my life expenses already. Even if it's thousands of thousands. They're too comfortable and they enjoy not spending money on my sister and I since we worked for a few months. Not working anymore doesn't mean they're gona give you allowance and pay for your expenses anymore.



Very funny.



To both my parents:
You have no money and you still lie and go to Genting and your friend's house to gamble, like... Almost every week.
You have no money and you buy sardin and tuna for the stupid cats everyday which cost RM4.60 per can.
You have no money and you still buy a bottle or 3 cans of Guinness stout every night.
You have no money and you buy expensive milk and cereals to eat.


I rather not have milk or cereals for breakfast and just bread.
I rather the cats eat my waste food than you buying them tuna everyday!!!
Now I know where all our money go to, even if you win in your gambling this week, It wouldn't sum up to what you have lost throughout the years!!



Tell me again why I should I love you other than 'God says so'?!?! Other than how you've 'brought me up' for all these years, which is not much of a memorable one? IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN'T HELP ME, YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO SAVE YOUR FREAKING MONEY FOR ME!!! AND YOU EXPECT ME TO GO THROUGH SHITS AND YOU NOT BEING THERE FOR ME BUT JUST WATCH ME DIE. You know what you have to pray for desperately? PRAY THAT I WON'T TREAT YOU THE SAME WHEN ALL YOUR HAIRS TURN GREY!!!