At this very moment..

....I am trembling.

At this very moment, I doubt all that I have, my portion, my capabilities.

Being insecure at whether or not the ground could sustain me as I might fall any time now, here and then.

It is this time of total darkness that I am reminded about my God which I have forsaken for a while. I feel like I'm walking in the valley of the shadow of deaths... I feel that something horrible awaits me. I sleep and wake feeling threatened everyday; There is currently nothing in my life now that is stable or secure, nothing. How can you possibly stay in your sanity in this stage of your life?

I always needed help, and I still do.

Hurt & Pain

... is all that I know now.

Look what the wind blew in......

I have temporarily forgotten the past because I'm so caught up with the present.

Yes, there's this special person that just knows how to make me feel so special and joyful all the time. It's like how I used to be. But this time, it's the same feelings but it's different too. Don't know how to explain it, but I don't know how to greet it.

I want to feel this way again, in the same time, I don't want it to enter my life anymore. It's so scary yet so amazing. Argh. I'm just gonna keep my distance for a while and see where the wind takes me :)

I dance, I live.

My dance studio just had their first dance concert on the 15th and 16th of September. It was a really big day for all of us. Many get to perform in front of a large crowd for the first time, and many get to dress up like never before! It was a life-changing event! Hahaa.

Opening dance.
This is one of the nicest picture ever taken of my dance group. We were dancing dubstep at this time. And yes, it was awesome, like how we are, haha.

This was when the concert ended. With our nerdy costumes. :D

New school dance:
The song was Not Strong Enough by Ne-yo. At first when I learn its step, I thought about how I could really relate to this song to my past relationship. I was place right in front, in the smack middle of the formation. Felt like I was in a movie. But it was great being able to let the audience feel the sad atmosphere that the music brings with the dance. It was a great way to express my feelings too :)

This is one of our nicest outfit, the police and the bad boys. Red lips. Smoky eyes. <3

So these are just some of the nicer pictures taken. The sad thing about this concert is that I bought the most expensive ticket and chose the best seat for my dad, hoping he could watch me perform. He just wasted my ticket away, and disappointed me. At this point of time, I still can't forgive him. Yea, tell me I'm sensitive, or stubborn. I just can't forgive people who wasted all that I had given, or more than what I could afford, + all the sacrifices made. I just don't understand why it only happens to me from men who are close to me. Hate, is all that I feel.

Didn't wanted my post to end this way. But I guess, life's imperfections will always be there. No matter how great your day was. Shit just happens. Learnt it long time ago.

My weaknesses.

I am trying my very best not to cry out loud right now, though some may say crying is the best way to release your anger/sorrow. I used to cry whenever I feel like it, but this time it's a whole lot different.

Why? Because people whom I love, whether friends or family, can't seem to accept my weaknesses. They will perceive me as different, and they will categorize me as 'something else'. Ever since I've shown them my true self, they just turn and walk away from me.


I can only be myself when I'm alone. Not with my friends, not with my family. I don't know what can be more miserable than that. Knowing I have friends and family around me, but they only accept the part of me which they like to see. But sad to say, I can't be who I used to be anymore.


All I needed was a friend who could understand my weaknesses, and still accept me, and doesn't judge me, or perceive me differently. I just lost 2 really good friends. I didn't hide anything from them, all I did was just to be myself, but they couldn't accept me the way I am, and they just stepped out of my life.

Yes, broken. I feel.

Pure rejection I face.

From people whom I love.

Teach me, how do you expect me to be strong, or to be fine.

I remind myself everyday, not to keep my hopes high, if this is the kind of life that I have to live, in so much fear, I don't know how to go on anymore.

I'm drunk.

Drunk in my emotions. I can barely use my head.

There's just so many things that doesn't seem right. And I can't be fine about it. There's so many things that come into my life, and they just leave taking pieces of me with them. Now I don't even know who I really am anymore.

I'm so desperate for a relief. So desperate to feel fine. And I would do anything to feel better. But situations and circumstances and also people around me don't let me. I guess I'll have to suck it all up in me, and and live by the second. If I ever explode one day, I hope that there would be someone who would be there to pick me up from my greatest fall. And as far as I have learned, even the ones who love me would not be willing to go that far for me.

Haven't been feeling like a normal human for the past 3 weeks. And I wonder how many more weeks I have to endure. As much as I want to, I can't hope to escape reality.

So how much longer ?

Being broken for a good cause

I have been walking this journey with God ever since the day I met Him. Knowing His ways, I know He's trying to break the pride that I have in myself. He puts me in this situation, that constantly reminds me that there is no other way but only the way that leads back to Him. And this is the heart of God, that calls to His children to come back to the love that He has for us.


I'm feeling broken, unable to be fixed, hopeless on this earth. I'm empty, because I have been filling myself with things that do not last. But knowing God, He remains true at the end of the day, even after everything fades.


When will I ever learn? Nevertheless, I thank God for all that He is.