Redefine Beauty

It's so sad..... Because the world isn't as beautiful as you think it was....

My eldest brother told me last night, "I wish you didn't have to accept the fact that such world exist." I said, "It's the same world that I live in and I have already accepted the fact that its shitty."

I'm right now 22, growing so old... And have seen the ugliest in people, and also the ugliest in me. Real joy is temporary, but pain is eternal. Nothing good lasts, and everything bad remains forever. What you call as 'true love', whether between man and woman, or parents and children, or any kind of love, you would discover true 'hate'. Sometimes I think if animals would be a better companion for human, not sexually, just..... A companion. I'd pick a cat.

I've ran.... and ran.... and ran.... and still running, perhaps forever, from something I cannot have and cannot let go, something that I love and fear so much. Something I wish I never had, but couldn't live without. I hate this.

Reliving THAT moment again

Yesterday was the end of us. Thanks for creating beautiful memories with me, but also very ugly ones. 

You told me so many things about us that you cannot let go, and so many dreams that you wanted to fulfill with me, but in the same time, you were fulfilling other dreams with other girls.

Why must I be your girlfriend and that I have to accept all your concubines... I rather be your concubine. Lol. Because I would lose more when I'm in a serious relationship with you than being your fling.

I thought if I were able to forgive you for 3 times after what you've done again and again, you'd be moved, and hopefully change for the better. But even after 50 times, you were still the same, not even any  better.

When things ended for real last night, your last words to me was 'take care'. It kinda felt like you were saying 'Okay I'm glad we had what we had, it was a great one no doubt. But since there are no other routes to travel anymore, I wish you well in your own path as I seek out for a new path as well, bye! *runs away excitedly'........

And to me, it felt like every sweat and tears I've dripped for us were just ashes that were easily blown away by the wind, and within seconds, they just disappear completely in the air. If you could count ashes (which you can't possibly count), they are the ruins of a work after being put into the flames. That is what it feels like. The fire went out, ashes remains, wind blows, whooshh...! Gone for good, just like that.

And here I am, patting my own chest gently, whenever a memory triggers and when I'm about to burst into tears, I tell myself, 'It's okay Huey Wern, everything will be fine.' I know I will be, but in this season, the weather will be stormy, and I know I gotta buckle up. It will be cold, there will not be peace. Thunders will strike, stay put in my little hut.

I guess I never learn

Though things have ended between us, as I try to  move on each day, it gets harder.

I don't usually express my sad emotions, only my blog, because it's dead. From the day I took courage to go through another long distance relationship, I could do it because my past fears didn't hold me back anymore, I could see us till forever. And that was how much it meant to me.

But you threw everything we had accomplished to the drains, you treated everything like trash, though they were worth diamonds to me. You forgot all your promises and you rather trade ME and everything we had, over a bitch.

Thanks to you, I learned things the hard way. Thanks to you, I have forgotten what it meant to be courageous and bold. Thanks to you, everywhere I go, everything I see as beautiful has become dull. Thanks to you, I regretted.

End the War

I almost forgot how it feels like to be truly happy, and to be so content about everything I have and don't have in my life. What about now?

Guess I'm just too bitter from all the hurts and disappointments that I unleash my anger inside of me towards the people that I love. I feel like a beast, or a monster, whenever my angry button is triggered. I felt that I have so much self defense mechanism that I can break things, and even kill. Have you seen a woman Hulk?

Maybe less intimidating, but sexier.

Ooh yeah! Break those walls!

That feeling is uncontrollable. Well i'm not trying to give an excuse for reacting the way I did, but it's just too damn hard to think things out in a more calm, rational way. I would rather just flip the table and break things because that would satisfy part of what I feel inside, but it always has to end with regrets.

I feel like a prisoner to my very own mind and feelings. How ironic it is for a person that studies about the mind and behavior to feel this way. The other prisoners would be the people that still chose to love me and be with me although they have seen the ugly side of me.

It hurts both ways. Let's just end the war.

Day 1 of Separation

He flew off to UK last night. I told myself from the very beginning that I will never-ever send him off to the airport and watch him leave. It was like a death oath to me (that's how serious I meant it). In the end, I drove myself to the airport, in the middle of the night, alone, to meet him once more. I was afraid that I might regret for the rest of my life if I didn't do this. I know it meant a lot to him, as much it was to me too :)

We had our tears and last good-bye hugs & kisses. We had our promises held on to each other too, that comes with a great hope. We knew that this does not mean 'The End', but the start of challenging what we have grew to become. Have we been falling in love with just our happiness and take everything else for granted? I guess not. We knew what we really wanted, we knew why. Our arguments don't last over night, he always makes an effort to make things right again, because he knew our relationship is better than just filthy arguments. I honestly think I have a greater ego than he does, and I'm a woman, he's a man. We could just switch roles you know, haha. Besides, he has a pretty face :P

He carried me in my drunken state on the first day we met, and he shall carry me like this again on our wedding day :) I honestly felt so much REAL pain when I woke up today. Haven't been feeling this way for a while already. No other pain can be compared to being separated from the one I love. It's just day 1 and it felt like a month already, oh gawd. 

Mr. Lee Hong Zhen

Let me introduce you to him, my beloved one.




Hahah. He loves taking cute pictures of himself. He loves LOVES taking pictures! So when I go out with him, he'd always ask me to give him a post, a smile, with teeth, w/o teeth, do this, stand there, do that.... My personal, professional photographer.





I love it when he loves taking pictures of me, and us, at the most random moments or places, whether ugly or funny, because we know they all mean something to us in a very personal way.





He was just here yesterday and today he's already gone.


If he was here, I know he'd be making my day. Even when he's away, he still tries to make my day.





How can I not love him? I can't.


I can only look at these pictures to remember everything about him and us. And how I wish I could do something about us, but I can't.


The End.

Secrets.

If you guys are wondering, yes, I'll say it here. I'm currently 'dating' a guy right now.

I didn't reveal much about us because I still didn't know where we were going, or where we can go. But today I decided to blog about us because I woke up feeling a little upset.

So this is that special guy. I'll refer his as HZ here. We met in one of the craziest way ever, something which I will remember for life? And one thing we are both passionate about is DANCE. There's so many things about him that makes me so mesmerised.


But.... There's always a but.


To cut things short, I woke up today deciding in my heart whether to go on with this. Cz honestly, since the day I met him, I never thought we could go far, and I still feel that no matter how hard we may try, things will not work out. We may feel the thrill and the excitement and joy for now, but I know it'll be just for temporary. The longer we delay, the more hurt we'll be when it comes towards the end.


So I shall say to myself: Huey Wern, you are not ready for a new relationship. There's just no room in my heart for another man. There's only a big hole that needs to be fixed. A broken heart can never learn to love.

It's dangerous to disclose, so it's safer to be alone now. There's no one to judge. Guess that love always has to pay a huge price.

At this very moment..

....I am trembling.

At this very moment, I doubt all that I have, my portion, my capabilities.

Being insecure at whether or not the ground could sustain me as I might fall any time now, here and then.

It is this time of total darkness that I am reminded about my God which I have forsaken for a while. I feel like I'm walking in the valley of the shadow of deaths... I feel that something horrible awaits me. I sleep and wake feeling threatened everyday; There is currently nothing in my life now that is stable or secure, nothing. How can you possibly stay in your sanity in this stage of your life?

I always needed help, and I still do.

Hurt & Pain

... is all that I know now.

Look what the wind blew in......

I have temporarily forgotten the past because I'm so caught up with the present.

Yes, there's this special person that just knows how to make me feel so special and joyful all the time. It's like how I used to be. But this time, it's the same feelings but it's different too. Don't know how to explain it, but I don't know how to greet it.

I want to feel this way again, in the same time, I don't want it to enter my life anymore. It's so scary yet so amazing. Argh. I'm just gonna keep my distance for a while and see where the wind takes me :)

I dance, I live.

My dance studio just had their first dance concert on the 15th and 16th of September. It was a really big day for all of us. Many get to perform in front of a large crowd for the first time, and many get to dress up like never before! It was a life-changing event! Hahaa.

Opening dance.
This is one of the nicest picture ever taken of my dance group. We were dancing dubstep at this time. And yes, it was awesome, like how we are, haha.

This was when the concert ended. With our nerdy costumes. :D

New school dance:
The song was Not Strong Enough by Ne-yo. At first when I learn its step, I thought about how I could really relate to this song to my past relationship. I was place right in front, in the smack middle of the formation. Felt like I was in a movie. But it was great being able to let the audience feel the sad atmosphere that the music brings with the dance. It was a great way to express my feelings too :)

This is one of our nicest outfit, the police and the bad boys. Red lips. Smoky eyes. <3

So these are just some of the nicer pictures taken. The sad thing about this concert is that I bought the most expensive ticket and chose the best seat for my dad, hoping he could watch me perform. He just wasted my ticket away, and disappointed me. At this point of time, I still can't forgive him. Yea, tell me I'm sensitive, or stubborn. I just can't forgive people who wasted all that I had given, or more than what I could afford, + all the sacrifices made. I just don't understand why it only happens to me from men who are close to me. Hate, is all that I feel.

Didn't wanted my post to end this way. But I guess, life's imperfections will always be there. No matter how great your day was. Shit just happens. Learnt it long time ago.

My weaknesses.

I am trying my very best not to cry out loud right now, though some may say crying is the best way to release your anger/sorrow. I used to cry whenever I feel like it, but this time it's a whole lot different.

Why? Because people whom I love, whether friends or family, can't seem to accept my weaknesses. They will perceive me as different, and they will categorize me as 'something else'. Ever since I've shown them my true self, they just turn and walk away from me.


I can only be myself when I'm alone. Not with my friends, not with my family. I don't know what can be more miserable than that. Knowing I have friends and family around me, but they only accept the part of me which they like to see. But sad to say, I can't be who I used to be anymore.


All I needed was a friend who could understand my weaknesses, and still accept me, and doesn't judge me, or perceive me differently. I just lost 2 really good friends. I didn't hide anything from them, all I did was just to be myself, but they couldn't accept me the way I am, and they just stepped out of my life.

Yes, broken. I feel.

Pure rejection I face.

From people whom I love.

Teach me, how do you expect me to be strong, or to be fine.

I remind myself everyday, not to keep my hopes high, if this is the kind of life that I have to live, in so much fear, I don't know how to go on anymore.

I'm drunk.

Drunk in my emotions. I can barely use my head.

There's just so many things that doesn't seem right. And I can't be fine about it. There's so many things that come into my life, and they just leave taking pieces of me with them. Now I don't even know who I really am anymore.

I'm so desperate for a relief. So desperate to feel fine. And I would do anything to feel better. But situations and circumstances and also people around me don't let me. I guess I'll have to suck it all up in me, and and live by the second. If I ever explode one day, I hope that there would be someone who would be there to pick me up from my greatest fall. And as far as I have learned, even the ones who love me would not be willing to go that far for me.

Haven't been feeling like a normal human for the past 3 weeks. And I wonder how many more weeks I have to endure. As much as I want to, I can't hope to escape reality.

So how much longer ?

Being broken for a good cause

I have been walking this journey with God ever since the day I met Him. Knowing His ways, I know He's trying to break the pride that I have in myself. He puts me in this situation, that constantly reminds me that there is no other way but only the way that leads back to Him. And this is the heart of God, that calls to His children to come back to the love that He has for us.


I'm feeling broken, unable to be fixed, hopeless on this earth. I'm empty, because I have been filling myself with things that do not last. But knowing God, He remains true at the end of the day, even after everything fades.


When will I ever learn? Nevertheless, I thank God for all that He is.

Your perception of love...

If your love requires a condition, where I have to behave in a certain manner, or to do or not do certain things to have your love, then I will not regard it as love. You tell me so much about God, but you fail to do the very fundamental thing that is from God, which is to love unconditionally.


You blame me for behaving the way I do, but you never realize the only thing that kept me holding on was the very concept of unconditional love. I was willing to leave all that I have to a commitment that I gave, I was willing even if you go blind or paralyzed, because of a promise that I hold on to so tightly. I thought to myself, why did you ever thought about me that way? Then only I realized, it was me that never knew you.


I am moving on, knowing that I never gave up, never compromised, gave all that I could, strived till the very end, in contrast of you. I don't regret all that I have given, I'm just sad that you wasted them all down the drain. If you ever find someone who could give you as much as I could, I thank God for having so much grace on you.

Have I told you?

I'm so afraid to fall in love.

But love frees you....

It also paralyzes you.

But when you are in love, the joy that comes with it overwhelms you wherever you go..

It can also cause an eternal damage to your heart.



There's just too many disappointments that my heart has no room for anything left. So I'll say it here, I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to look at you in the eyes and wonder if we could ever be together. I don't want to realize your presence whenever you're around. I'm just keeping a distance, for a safer cause.


I rather have no lovey-doveys than have someone that has so much potential to break all that I am.

My security

"You're not good enough."

That's what people always get. No matter how hard you strive, you can never be in that perfect position everywhere you go. And of course, I had some of that just now during my dance training. I was compared to another dancer, and apparently she 'wow'ed the crowd. It's normal that I would feel discouraged, but when I actually think about it, I don't have to feel discouraged.


I was reminded that I am here to please my Heavenly Father, and not men. And my security is in God, the one who gives and takes away, not in men, neither on my own capabilities. I know it's so easy to say, but it is the truth and I'm gona hold on to it. Beside Him, there's nothing left to hope for.


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

Blessings

Got back one of my tests today. I expected really low marks because I studied really last minute for it, and also I only did properly for half the paper. The other half was completely a guess when time was running up, without even reading the questions. And even some of my 'certain' answers weren't even correct. Guess what? I passed my paper, I had 6% out of 10%, and scored higher than most of my classmates that normally answers questions in my class, unlike me, teehee.

But my main point is this: Thank You God. It was really an encouragement actually, and also a motivation for me to study hard for my finals which are coming up. And I know that God will be with me to help me through it. He will discipline me by cutting out my money so I won't go out with my friends but study. Yeah that's what He did alright, and I thank You for the discipline, I know it's good for me to be broke now, and I will not worry because I know You will provide the other essentials for me.

I love You Lord.

A Renewed Hope

Rainbows, they're a sign of the covenant by God to us. They are a sign that He is faithful to us. They're a sign of hope, knowing God is still keeping His promises. Knowing how gracious God has been and is changes me. I know I've been wrong, I've been away, but now I'm coming back to You oh Lord, and I know You have open arms to welcome me back. Past mistakes and regrets will always be there, but I can face it, because I know You have accepted me with all my mistakes and imperfection, and You cloth me with righteousness.

For He first loved us......

Hoping for a recovery

It's too painful to write anything here. Tried starting writing a sentence, and suddenly all these emotions started pouring out on me like a tsunami, and I decided to just keep it in. It has been a long day, and I should rest.